Enablement
There is a driving force behind alcoholism. From the first warning signs to the progression, then on to the full force of living the non-stop wrecking ball drunk-off, there are key factors that keep the stoned rolling, gathering moss and every other type of nastiness in it’s descent. And as that happens, others get caught in the destructive activities that the alcoholic willingly (though drunkenly) engages in. Many are truly concerned about the dis-eased alcoholic, but simply don’t have the ability to do anything about it, regardless of good-natured intentions. Ultimately, as the fall gains momentum and turmoil builds, outsiders have to disengage for their own safety, health and well-being.
Keep in mind a stark reality: people cannot be “fixed” by other people. It’s a fact of life that unless a person agrees to a binding obligation, like the military or a job, they will not follow the direction of others and will not change according to the direction or advice of others. It doesn’t matter the manner of control, whether the jailer or candy, an addicted person will continue on the path they have chosen with little regard for outcomes. Unfortunately, the alcoholics choice becomes no choice at all. Alcohol has that power. The people that watch it happen struggle with finding reason behind the alcoholic’s actions.
The addiction to alcohol is the practice of self-destruction. A person that already has preconceived notions of personal freedom and their right to do with their body whatever they feel like, will under the influence double and triple down on that concept to their ultimate demise. Alcohol has the incredible ability of demanding more alcohol, at all costs, regardless of how the alcoholic’s actions affect their self or others. One drink is instantly and crucially begging for another. The consequences of each drink are easily disregarded under the influence of it.
Think of how many times in life we hear warnings like you shouldn’t date that person, don’t drink and drive, get to work on time, study for your test, respect authority, do unto others, don’t lie, find a reliable career or mate. The list is endless. Most of the time these directives come from people that truly care for us, but are ignored as overcautious, nagging, unrealistic, not my problem etc. And then besides the warnings, people that know the difference between wrong and right ignore the advice and choose the wrong, over and over again.
I don’t think that people act against their own and other’s better judgments maliciously. I think it’s in our general nature to seek adventure and unique experiences in our lives. While the technological advancements of mankind are wondrous and keep us all in a place of mental sanctuary most of the time, the reality of human life (particularly in the western world) is relatively boring. Our lives are constantly constructed for us by strangers. The adventures that were inherent in our natural existence have been gradually replaced by the mundane safety of an artificial one. The adventures of today’s technological playground are geared towards immediate gratification rather than sacrifice, work and lasting outcome. This translates into moment-to-moment satisfaction that lacks the substance to sustain us for any period of time. Almost immediately a new thing must barely fulfill us for an instant in order for us to be satisfied.
It’s not as if adventure can’t be found in today’s world. The problem is that if it isn’t sought in its many forms, the only way it appears is as a burden. Instead of entering the fray of chaos, uncertainty and a dose of fear, then courageously placing a part of our existence at odds against it, it’s easier to deny our need for adventure in any form. When that happens, what are we left with? To me, the answer is clear: feeding the five senses with images on a screen, fake membership with professional sports teams and other affiliations, sexual fantasy, and money as the ultimate objects of desire. It’s no wonder that there is rampant mental dis-ease and self-destructive addiction. Combine that with a 24/7/365 beating of the drum of an inevitable apocalypse, and it’s hard for many to find purpose and fulfillment in life.
One way I look at addictive behavior is as a means to escape the need for adventure, the terms of adventure, the work that needs to be put forth towards that adventure, as well as the fear of past failures. Addictions like alcohol are easy and effective means to escape the pain of life unfulfilled. Substance and behavioral abuse are both easy to practice, as their practice is relatively easy, relatively inexpensive monetarily, and don’t require any consideration of the damage that has, is and will come about.
This is a hard situation for an alcoholic to escape from. What is there to escape to? Their life that led up to the practice of drinking was most likely without any worthwhile purpose or promise. Going back there is no different than just being there to begin with. Except now, the unfulfilled life combined with the addiction in full force makes escape seem like an impossibility.
It’s not as if alcoholism hasn’t existed for thousands of years. It certainly existed when times were much more adventurous and in closer contact with the natural world. What alcohol has always been is an ongoing escape from circumstances that weren’t ideal for the abuser. In past times the escape factor of the drink could be attributed to too much real-world stress. The point here is that if there is a reason to escape reality, and alcohol is available continuously, there is a greater chance that drinking will become a habit for many. Once there, the underlying realities don’t go away. They remain shelved just outside of the perception of a drunken mind. As the habit continues, the reasons for further escape add up to a never-ending destructive relationship between reality and the chemical escape from reality. People enable themselves to drink using reality as an excuse.
People need purpose in their life. Purpose means challenges, risk and reward. It means failure and the lessons it produces. It also means a dedication and determination to meet some future conquest, overcoming failure and moving forward. For some that purpose could be career and for others a family. Some may dedicate their lives to continuous service while others choose to imagine creatively and then put it into physical form. The possibilities of purpose are endless, and it’s certainly possible to have more than one purpose in play at the same time. The more time we humans dedicate toward our life’s purposes, the less time we have to wallow about life’s deficiencies. The time we spend in loneliness, self-pity and shallow behavior, the easier it is for the temptations of poor behavior to creep into our lives.
There are plenty of reasons to fall into an unfulfilled lifestyle. Sometimes it is due to relationships with people that are hell-bent on seeing others fail. Sometimes that failing attitude is committed with malice and intent, like with an abusive parent or authority figure, and other times it is subtle and seemingly innocent. I know that in my own development I had far more people that discouraged me from taking any risk or having any purpose outside of their preconceived notions about how I should live my life. The damage from that repeated thwarting message still haunts me today. It causes me to hesitate to engage with or trust people. It keeps me from displaying my dreams or my feelings. It brings procrastination and hesitancy in taking risks to meet my visions of my future. It denies me purpose.
There are far more enablers of mistrust, doubt and fear in my life than positive mentors, so much so that when a positive mentor does come along, I tend to disengage before I can truly be challenged to reach any potential. Most of the time (but not always) negative influencers are parroting the behavior that they have been shown their whole lives. It’s like a giant ongoing cycle of hazing, bullying and abuse that is a permanent component of society. The counter to these negative influencers is awareness that it exists extensively and to be vigilant against it in all of our relationships. It is a cycle that can be broken.
One thing to consider is how much external enablement happens towards making an out of control, unmanageable alcoholic life. The beginnings of alcoholism can be attributed to peer groups, relatives, business relationships and social gatherings, among other things. In today’s world, it seems like every occasion is a drinking occasion. Even baby showers have wine service as a requirement. It’s not hard to see how an action that is presented as innocent and manageable can lead to the entrapment of the addiction. There is a general acceptance that alcohol is a safe and harmless practice, with only the bad apples becoming alcoholics and addicts. Combine this with how easy it is to hide a drinking problem in its initial stages, and then have a set of societal influences encouraging it to grow, and the result is a recipe for disaster.
Additionally, the good intentions (pavement for the road to hell) of family and loved ones to keep the addicted safe while at the same time feeding money and support into the problem, are fuel to the fire. It’s understandable that people have a strong emotional attachment to others and use their natural tendency to nurture as a pathway to healing. Part of that nurturing is keeping the addicted safe and trying to create an environment of happiness, with the hope that happiness will trump the call to use. The feelings behind this are honorable and admirable but flawed to the core. Rewarding poor behavior only reinforces poor behavior. Becoming a resource for addiction to continue unhampered ultimately results in an increase of the addiction, sometimes beyond a point of no return.
I know that it’s a near impossibility for most parents to remove themselves from a relationship with their child, even when that child is a grown adult. The bond is too strong, and the image of a devastating outcome that would result from a parent not being there is heart wrenching and paralyzing. Often, the time, care and concern for an addict will supersede all other relationship values, and all other relationships in the caregiver’s life. These are relationships that are functional and have a far greater potential for positive and fulfilling outcomes than anything the addicts life could produce. A flawed idea exists that people with limited experience and knowledge can fix a person with zero desire to change their lifestyle. At the same time, they dedicate nearly all of their time to that flawed cause and neglect the people that deserve their attention. By feeding the beast, people unwittingly keep the addict using, while at the same time neglecting others in need of their attention and the benefit of their nurturing.
I’ve never met an alcoholic that could honestly proclaim they saw alcoholism coming. In the same manner, the people that witnessed the progression were unaware or unable to identify it until it became obvious. The cunning and devious nature of the addiction makes it impossible for the afflicted or the people that surround them to detect what’s happening. Once the addiction becomes the controlling part of an addicts life, it’s too late for quick, easy solutions. The most powerful and overwhelming element in the addicts life is getting high, achieving escape and leaving the realities of emotion and fear under cover. This primary function can only continue when it is allowed to continue. It’s at this time when ultimatum must replace enablement, and the addicted are given the choice of seeking real-world help and dedicating themselves to recovery. Anything outside of this is prolonging the addiction and allowing it to increase unchecked.
Long before I took the deep dive into the bottle, I learned (without effect) that addiction is so dangerous because despite the warnings, entryway drugs like alcohol and marijuana aren’t immediately addictive. If I’m told that one drink will make me an alcoholic, or one puff of a joint will make me refer-madness schitzo, then when that doesn’t happen, I can assume that it doesn’t happen at all, and I was being lied to. A further conclusion can be drawn that if I was lied to about these substances, then there really is no addictive or damaging quality in further usage, or in trying other ways to get high. There is a pre-conceived idea in my mind that I am stronger and more powerful than others or the substance, and therefore I can abuse in whatever manner I want without the long-term repercussions. Despite my ability to control my usage for some time, when that control is lost, and my usage becomes habit and addiction, I’m the last one to know.
Alcoholics are notorious for not paying attention to the warning signs that are thrown in their face. Family and friends that make comments or directly identify that drinking has become an issue are discounted and ignored. Life problems like irresponsibility, poor health, failing relationships, collapsing finances, and an overall lack of care or concern for self or others are easily placed in a pile that is covered up with a blanket of inebriation. All of life’s important responsibilities and their emotional attachments become sedated behind the fog of drunkenness and when that fog lifts, the view is unbearable and requires more sedation.
There becomes a necessity to “wrench” the human mind from an addictive life as a means to begin recovery. For me, the mechanism for that yank into clarity was the acceptance that I was on the pathway to losing everything, including my physical being. To reach that point, what alcoholics call their bottom, requires the potential or consequence of having nothing to support their habit any longer. It requires the hard message from friends and family that the addicted person is no longer welcome anymore. It was an incredible moment of realization that death in life is not always physical, and that I was in the throes of it.
Despite the fear and pain of the decision to enable or disassociate, the lives of those surrounding the addicted person would be far healthier and worthwhile without the addict impacting their life. No matter the depth of a relationship, cutting off the enablement of addiction is the quickest path towards getting an addict to come to terms with their life, without offering a means to creep back into it. The opposite of that, enabling addiction by paying for it and nurturing it, is a sure pathway toward it’s continuance until the death of the enabler, the addict, or both. The idea here is not permanent excommunication, but rather disassociation from the addicted person until they find that a return to living sober as the only way. Even if that happens, there must be vigilance, and the expectation must be clear that relapses are the return of the person we no longer want around. If an addict asks for help, and then follows up on that desire with evidence of determination, then help should be given. If an addict falls back into their self-destructive practices, then attention and enabling practices should be removed.
All recovery from addiction starts with the hard truth that I as an addict need a reason to change. I need a moment in my life that flips a switch, changing my mind from the rule and control of the addiction to the necessity and value of everything that is not addiction. Many times, the means to that revelation and the conviction of purpose that follows it relies on eliminating the factors in my life that enable my behaviors. It also relies on the people that aid and perpetuate that behavior to disconnect from it, despite their fears and biological bonds. None of this is easy and could seem impossible. But the sooner an addicted person is put into a position of unsustainability in their actions, the sooner a desire for change can be sought, and the road to recovery can ensue.
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