The Unvalidated
The spiritual nature of human beings requires interaction. With very few exceptions, people need a level of contact and communication with other people. When that is removed, the mind and soul first hunger for contact, and then starve. When that contact is removed altogether, in solitary confinement for instance, something approaching madness can ensue.
Even in a crowded society, the necessity of human contact can be sparse or absent altogether. We are seeing this in today’s society. People are starving for spiritual human interaction even though they are surrounded by people.
One of the primary functions of human relationships is that they provide a level of fulfillment. Much of that fulfillment comes in the form of validation. Those validations occur in small doses and less frequently large ones, and they are based on meritorious actions between individuals. They are based on trust and honesty. They are the foundation of recognition and the satisfaction that comes from it.
For all human history, individuals have struggled with receiving the validation they crave. More often than not, this is the consequence of poorly developed relationships and a lack of drive to present themselves as a true character. The work that it takes to have a genuine, attractive stature that others gravitate to and then engage with in is seen as folly. This may be because of betrayals in the past or limited hope for the future, or technology-based laziness. Developing relationships with others that require a higher-level form of human existence is just too daunting. It’s easier to just wait for validation to come to me.
The problem of low quality and absent validation is nothing new. But it has been ramped up in this century to the boiling point we are seeing today. The integration of cellphones was an easy substitute for the effort that spiritual interaction requires. Now, a person could live their life in a virtual world of fantasy relationships where no actual spiritual contact was required, and through machine-like interfaces, send messages of poor quality and substance. People could now speak in terms of volatility and unashamed rudeness without the repercussions of seeing and knowing the hurt they caused. They could claim love without actually engaging in affection. Manipulations were abound. Validation becomes hollow and fleeting, functioning only as short bursts of immediate gratification.
Then the pandemic hit. The entire human populace was put on lockdown, and the real victims of it all weren’t those that suffered from the virus, but from the billions that suffered from forced separation. What little validating interaction people had left was wrenched from them and most everyone was forced into mental and physical isolation. It became very clear that cellphone contact was worth nothing.
Now we are seeing the consequences of these two social experiments. A very large portion of the American population is in constant turmoil and mental anguish. People are ready to go to any means to get someone, anyone, to pay attention to them, even if it is just for a moment. They are demanding it with protests, they are demanding it by drastically altering the nature of their being, and also by forcing legislation so their starvation for validation can be permanently fulfilled. It doesn’t have to be this way.
Finding ways to receive validation is one of the key elements of recovery. Like everything else in recovery, it starts with me. Only by changing the nature of me can I expect to attract quality relationships that will bring with them the recovery I crave. My character has to be founded in truth. My actions should display spiritual nature. I should freely offer validation to others without expecting anything in return. My humble offerings will be reflected back to me in due time.
As an alcoholic, the lead-up to my addiction was rooted in a lack of validation. As my drinking increased, that validation became sparse. My human interactions were participated with people that were also addicted. What I called a good time is in fact myself and a group of unvalidated people stumbling around and making a wreck of ourselves. All of my meaningful relationships became limited or nonexistent because of my own shallow existence. The only effort I put towards myself was inebriation.
I can honestly attest that after years of sobriety, and continual purpose towards any growth-oriented recovery I can envision, validation comes to me. It’s not only in the form of external validation. I can be truthful to myself that my actions are the opposite of futile attempt at bites of attention and sips of gratification. I am a self-advocate and have a world that is surrounded by worlds that validate and complete me while I do the same with them.
If you’re reading this and struggling with validation, start by genuinely offering it first. Offer it to people you know and people you don’t. Greet strangers as if they are friends. All it takes is a simple “hello, how are you?” to let someone else know they are recognized, even if only for a moment.
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