Patience
In the countless number of meetings I’ve attended, one fatal flaw in recovery has always been obvious to me. I have witnessed people come into intense therapy sessions, straight out of a hospitalization and detox stay, and are enthusiastic and gung-ho about knowing what it takes and how they are going to succeed this time. There are consequences on the line for many. It could be a marriage failure, separation from their children, jail time or a loss of job. There is an enthusiasm and desire to come clean and salvage what they can of the mess before them.
Two weeks later you can see in their eyes, their demeanor, their attentiveness and what steps they’ve taken, that this time recovery is not going to work. There is some kind of odd assumption that two weeks sober equals cured of the disease. The biggest fan of this thinking is the disease. In two weeks, or a month, or even a few months the alcoholic feels better, feels cured, and feels like that past is behind them, but without making the necessary sacrifices and immersing themselves in the necessary work, the whole buildup is destined to fail. And when it does, the only thing to fall back on is their long-lost friend, the bottle.
Now I’m not saying that a person can’t quit cold turkey. There are instances of that happening, but it is an extremely low percentage success rate. For a vast majority of addicts, it takes a lot of work from the sobriety date forward, and that work never stops. The alcoholic feels cured after a few weeks of abstinence, but without the preparation, understanding, learning and support, there is nothing to keep the bottle away permanently. In order to get to a state of power over the substance, it takes monumental patience. With patience comes acceptance that nothing in recovery is a rapid-fire change. The buildup of character and perseverance necessary to be sober as a lifestyle takes baby steps. Each step is a building block on top of all the others. With a firm foundation and a solid set of building materials, and a plan of action that involves others that have walked the path, one can continually build a new self that no longer needs or wants alcohol or any other mind-altering substance at all.
Patience also extends to those around us. A common experience of addiction and recovery is that people that don’t understand our condition tend to question the reality of it. To them, we should just be able to stop and not start again. Many cannot comprehend that something so intangible has such an iron grip of control on one’s soul. Here patience is a 2-way street. We must be patient with those who lack experience and understanding, and we also must expect them to understand that there is no magic pill cure to it all. Sometimes that patience involves severing ties with binding relationships that don’t aid in recovery. In time, those relations may mend, or they may never mend, but patience in waiting for an outcome is more important to recovery than trying to force an outcome, or hang on to people or things that serve the addiction.
Even strangers deserve patience. There is a great deal of emotion involved in alcohol addiction. Alcohol is used as a suppression to many emotions, and increases emotions that are painful, bad natured and self-serving. Once the substance is removed from the equation, the suppressed emotions come to the surface and the negative emotions don’t go away. The best and healthiest way to handle this is with patience. So, when we are set off by others, even strangers, it is not good for recovery to try to control situations, whether good or bad. Keep focus on controlling self and let go of all the other temptations to control things, and then ultimately the emotional volume control can be turned down. This eliminates conflict and the desire to control that which one cannot. It takes away a common trigger for turning back to addiction.
I think a good practice is to recognize when you are in a situation that you cannot control, and you can recognize it by the emotions that come to rise. Then tell yourself once or multiple times patience, and then don’t talk, don’t act, and don’t fret and pine away about it. Keep focus on controlling yourself. It is enough to try to control the cravings of the addiction and the means of recovery without trying to control everything else.
And remember that recovery requires patience with yourself, with the world around you, and the relationships you have.