I have to wonder if I doubt myself, doubt my dreams or doubt my future at least half of my waking time. Sometimes it seems so out of control that I can feel myself diving into depressive states, going from I can’t do this or that to I can’t do anything.
I don’t feel like I’m alone in this. If I compare my own psyche to the people I counsel or the relationships I’ve encountered throughout my lifetime, I feel that a vast majority of people hide behind doubt as a reaction to fearful circumstance. Doubt is a continual flight from fear.
When I am confident in myself and my ability, I can march right into a situation and act to whatever degree. Speaking to a roomful of people is a prime example. I have no problem speaking, maintaining eye contact, have thoughts flow in a manner that makes sense, and having a beginning, middle and ending to my postulations. I have a developed ability to raise and lower volume, pitch, tone and inflection in relation to the point I’m trying to make.
I have a vision to be a motivational speaker for recovery in a general life sense, with recovery from addiction peppered in. I know I have the material, and I know that I have the tools. Yet, taking that next step to developing and practicing a routine creates fear in my mind because if I execute and take action towards my vision there is a sure chance of failing. Not just failing a little bit. The doubt that is occurring in my mind is failing in front of hundreds of people. Or maybe failing to bring the message as effectively as I’d like. Of maybe saying one wrong thing in a world that’s embroiled in scrutiny.
This vision has been sitting on my mental desk for years now. It is covered in dust except for the fingerprints where I pick it up, look it over, then place it right back to where it was. What I should be doing is dusting it off, prepping it for expansion, then add to it on a regular basis until it takes a large portion of my mental desk space, and I have the confidence I need to take action – through trial and through failure – and strive towards success.
If I leave it out there and don’t put it away, then in my mind I am somehow doing something about it even though I’m doing nothing. The dream is still alive, right? It could sit there indefinitely. My little prize of procrastinated potential. If I don’t move it, and I don’t activate it, then it can never go away, and I will always have it as a part of what could be. If I don’t take a chance on it there is zero percent chance of failure.
Pathetic. And what’s more pathetic is that I know what I am doing. I also know a way out of the eternal failure to ignite, and how to take a chance on myself and my life.
There’s mental programming behind this shackling of fear. It’s based on 10,000 instances of you can’t and you shouldn’t and that’s a bad idea. It’s a life of repeated denial to seek out and take a chance of finding adventure. It’s the ease of lazily floating downriver and never challenging the current.
In order to change the established code in my mind I need to put into practice new thinking patterns. These thinking patterns must be enveloped in positive, respectful and strong thinking. They must be clear and concise. They must be based on what I can control and what I must surrender. The closest way I’ve come to this is prayer.
Prayer can be construed in a lot of different ways. One way is I’m talking to an external being that lives in the clouds, or behind Vega, or in the heaven of my imagination. Another is that I’m praying to the artist’s rendering of a man that lived 2 millennia ago. Maybe I’m talking to the trees, the animals and the seas of the earth as a part of a great collective of spiritual power. It could be none of these things. It could be all.
One thing I’m certain of is that if I want to write new code in my mind that overwrites the old code, my prayer needs to be about me, through me and surround me. Whatever invocation I have of God or spirit needs to be an internal power of change within myself. Instead of praying out to a God for external change that benefits me, I need to pray to my internal God to enrich me spiritually, mentally and physically. Then with those blessings, I can benefit others. My prayers need to be for change in my approach to what’s possible from me, and then a call to action of my being actually working toward those possibilities.
I’m praying for ideation, or vision. I’m also praying for strength and motivation. Additionally, I’m praying for new structure in my mind and my life. These three elements have unbridled power, but only if I act towards them. From a psychological standpoint, that could mean committing to only as much as I can as a starting point. But at least I’m doing something. Then pray. Then build up for the next increment of action. Then pray…
As prayer takes effect and effort reinforces prayer, a cycle can ensue and my dream will become a vision. Then my vision will begin to take ever greater shape as a possibility in my imagination and a probability in reality.
I know this works because it has worked in other parts of my life, particularly since my acceptance and dedication to recovery. The return of my health and my mental faculties are all examples of this process in action.
When I don’t use this process, my dreams remain shelved and gathering dust. My dreams are never given the chance to become my life because I am afraid of them. My fear creates doubt, and doubt creates procrastination and stagnation. It’s mentally easier to risk nothing than to risk anything. The outcomes delivered from risking nothing are nothing.
At the end of the day, I must dedicate myself to praying for change in what I can control. Every morning, I must pray for control of the things I need to bring my visions further into fruition. In between those prayers it is the time for me to act so I have something to pray for that evening, and something to pray for the next day.