Pearl Thirteen

Trust and Relationships

Relationships are built on trust.

There.  That’s all that needs to be said.

Except for all the other stuff I’m about to write.

Trust is a liquid thing.  It varies in degrees and can be ever changing or remain unwavering forever.  Trust is a variable that relies on many other variables in life to maintain its integrity.  Some of those variables are foundations of other trusts, and some are established along the way by the events that occur in a relationship.

Trust doesn’t just exist between people.  For instance, I trust my dogs to not chew up my house if I leave them alone for a couple of hours.  I trust my car to get me to a destination without breaking down.  I trust a 911 operator to answer when I call with an emergency.  All of these trusts are pretty rock solid.  But if I come home and my favorite coffee table book is all over the place, or a check engine lights up on my car, or I pick up my phone and there’s no signal, those trusts are put into question and the trust of them changes.

The same is true of human relationships.  All relationships between human beings are based on trust from inception to longevity.  A couple that’s been married for fifty years obviously has learned the ins and outs of each other’s trust and changed and adapted along the way to keep the trust strong.  The trust they had in the first year is different than the trust at fifty.  As time passed, there would be times that trust was strong and times it was tested or even violated, and then re-established again to maintain the relationship.  Contrarily, a marriage that ends in the first five years lacked what was needed to maintain and grow the trust.  You could apply these same concepts to friendships, or even working relationships.

When it comes to trust between family members, the dynamics are different.  In a family unit, the people involved are essentially trapped in relationships that are difficult to maintain and sometimes understand.  People in a household are in constant observation of the intricacies and inequities between all other family members.  There are expectations of trust that run as deep as blood, and when those trusts are violated to any degree there is disparity and enmity between the entire family unit.  Abuse that happens between family members, whether physical, verbal, sexual or neglectful, have a lifelong impact that is very difficult to overcome.  A divorce or an abandonment of a parent can impact trust in any future relationships for all members of a family.   Addiction and abuse to substance are crushing to a family, whether involving parents, offspring or a combination of family members.  Alcohol and drug addiction are destroyers of trust in a family.

Like burning bridges, trust takes effort and time to make solid, and moments to destroy.

In relationships of all kinds, trust that is built and then broken, even to a small degree, turns into distrust.  It fosters doubt and suspicion when there are expectations and beliefs of how one party will act, followed by action with an intent to the contrary.  When repeated actions against the trust are discovered, the trust quickly dissolves, and the wall of distrust quickly becomes an impasse.  Apologies, forgiveness and promises lose their efficacy and become hollow and empty.  The farther this goes, the more difficult a re-establishment of trust will be.

Trust from the outset is based on perception.  When I initially meet a person, I form a first impression based on their actions and character.  As time goes on that impression is either solidified or diminished.  The test of any relationship is how strong trust is versus actions counter to it.  There are limits to trust that are measured by every person in a relationship, and at the breaking point it is easier and safer for one or both parties to back out permanently.  When the perception of trustworthiness dissolves, the relationship dissolves.

One of the identifiers of alcoholism is the reoccurrence of trust breaking actions.  Not so coincidentally, the behaviors fall in line with drinking to inebriation, i.e., drinking past the point of control or sound decision making.

Promises, promises…

We alcoholics, when in our cups, are notorious for making promises only to break them.  It could be a promise to show up, a promise to be sober at work, a promise to be available to obligations, a promise to drive sober, or the repeated broken promise to stop drinking.  All of these promises seem to come after a breach of the very thing being promised, and often for the same repeated infractions. 

For an alcoholic breaking their promise, it’s akin to a repeated bad habit, only this one has damaging consequences to relationships, and the safety of any party involved.  Failing to appear when expected, work performance impaired by hangovers or booze, missing important family or community events, and getting drunk after promising to stop are all adding fuel to the fire of mistrust.  That mistrust is felt by the people affected around the alcoholism, and is in direct relation to the growing mistrust, resentment and guilt an alcoholic feels about themselves.  Those feelings are quickly covered up by further drinking, and the cycle of alcoholism grows.

One of the commonalities of crossing over from alcoholism to recovery is that there are few if any relationships left.  Those that are left generally are bound by blood relations or someone with an equally damaging addictive lifestyle as the alcoholic.  In other words, relationships with substance, fulfillment, communications, communion, and trust are gone.  This doesn’t mean the alcoholic is not loved or even cared for deeply.  It means that the trust in their actions and reliability is gone.  The belief that an alcoholic can reform and be a valuable addition to anyone or anything runs out, and unless the desire to stop hits with vigor, the alcoholic will follow their path to ultimate destruction.

Those that do seek help have a unique opportunity placed on them.  I like to see recovery as the beginning of the end of a story.  The last chapter of the previous story ended in tragedy, and the first chapter in the new story begins with confusion and unfocused direction.  It is a soul searching for trust from within and from others.

Just as this post began with, relationships are built on trust.  Trust is a foundation to structure.  As structure is conceived and constructed, trust also acts as the building blocks and the glue that cements them.  Rebuilding trust can happen in recovery, as it needs to be re-discovered and seeds of it planted and nurtured again.  With sobriety, trust is possible between an alcoholic and former acquaintances, newly formed relationships, and ultimately with themselves.

There is one trust that can never be allowed to form again.  The alcoholic can never trust themselves with even a drop of liquor.  The temptations and triggers will never go away.  Thinking that a little drink won’t hurt will surely mean drinking to the depths.  Time in sobriety and recovery can create an overconfidence in an alcoholic’s ability to control their consumption, but the primary and permanent symptom of an alcoholic is that they cannot control their drinking and their drinking controls them.  This dichotomy of distrusting any association with alcohol and finding trust in all other parts of life is one of the most difficult things to understand as recovery progresses. 

Recovery is a re-birth of sorts.  From the ashes of a burned-up existence a person can transform themselves into a new being, one that is different and greater than they ever were before.  In that transformation, trust needs to be at the forefront of the many qualities that will develop.  With trust as the foundation of every part of life, and particularly with oneself, the dishonest lie that alcohol is will no longer have any influence, want or need.